A Nice Guy infestation is spreading through my life like a zombie outbreak. Only nowhere near as cool. I wish I was in a zombie apocalypse and could smash heads in with sledgehammers. That would be way cool, especially compared to … this. I have four examples for you, dear readers, just from the last couple of weeks of my life. (And on a sidenote, aren’t you all lucky I chose to stop wasting my time with these dickwads, and start blogging again? Much better use of this precious resource, I think).
So Nice Guy scenario 1, or, Clueless Boy. Clueless Boy and I were very close friends. We hung out all the time and communicated every chance we got. We bonded and formed a very close relationship. Clueless Boy wanted more and often hinted at this, but I chose to ignore the hints. I was still working out what I wanted, and I honestly feel that hints and games and subtle double meanings can be ignored if you don’t want to respond to them. If someone wants an honest answer to something, they need to ask an honest question. And that would almost be an entirely different rant, except it’s kind of not. If you never ask someone out, you can’t complain about the types of people they go out with. Actually you can’t really complain either way, but you ABSOLUTELY have less justification if you haven’t even been honest about how you feel and what you want out of a relationship with another person. So, ANYWAY, the time came when I thought I might want to see where everything led with CB and maybe take it further. Once I made up my mind on this, I tried to make a time to hang out with him, so I could discuss it all face to face and not through any other medium.
Now, at the time, CB was attempting to organize a first date with a woman he met through an online dating website. She was consistently cancelling on him at the last minute, or would just stop replying to his messages before details could be finalized for the date. He had told me he had given up on her, and it was only when hearing this that I decided to make a move. When I asked if he would be free that night (and from subsequent emails, he was well aware of what I wanted to discuss), his response was that he was supposed to be meeting up with her, but that if she cancelled on him again, he’d be more than happy to hang out with me. This was the point where I pulled the plug. Either I am your first choice, or I’m not a choice at all. And it was poor and clumsy phrasing on his part. We have, however, remained good friends and he’s currently in a relationship with someone else entirely and I’m glad it didn’t all turn to shit from that one incident.
HOWEVER, one night I was feeling particularly depressed at the number of utter arseholes in my life and asked him “If I’m so awesome, why do I only seem to attract arseholes?”* And his response was that I attract everyone but only notice the arseholes. So if you’re following this, it’s MY fault there are so many arsehats in my life because I just will not pay attention to those Nice Guys over there. The ones who not only keep you as a back up option in case the first choice falls through, BUT TELL YOU THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE DOING.
No. Just a hundred bags full of no. The reason I’m seeing so many arsehats in my life? Because there are so many of them there. And everywhere. If there were less in the world overall, as a ratio of arsehats to decent guys, I’d see more of the latter. But this was indeed the least offensive of the conversations I engaged in over the last month.
Nice Guy Scenario 2; Toto. I can’t explain this nickname in this space, however rest assured, it is a nickname just like all the others. Toto actually gave me fair warning in our very first conversation by complaining that girls only like dickheads and they ignore all the nice guys and only want them as friends blah blah. I’d have to imagine that if any of you reading this haven’t heard this same rant a thousand times, you must live in a wonderful magical universe with unicorns and rainbows. And I would like an invite to join you. For the rest of you, I’m pretty sure you know how it goes. So anyway, he improved as we got to know each other, and we had plans to meet up and go out and I thought it might actually work for once and that things would be cool. Silly Rabbit.
One night, out of nowhere, in the middle of a conversation about nothing, he says that he has too many issues and he just wants to be friends for now because he doesn’t want to screw me up. He said that if he weren’t such a nice guy, he’d be able to ‘get some pussy’ but because he’s a nice guy he misses out, and this is his ‘burden to bear’. And did you all notice the ‘for now’ part of that? So he wants to keep his options to ‘get some pussy’ with me open for a future date in case he changes his mind. No. No. A hundred thousand bags full of no.
In terms of technique, the conversation itself progressed like this:
First he said we should be friends and that he’s an awesome friend to have because he’s a great listener
Then he said I need to “sort some shit out first” and that he’s really doing this for my own good (isn’t he awesome?!)
Then he started flirting again
Then he threw in a big sob story about not trusting women and I must be special because he trusts me and he had a bad childhood and he doesn’t want to screw me up because he’d rather ‘have a friend than a lay’
And then he threw in that it would suck if we dated and it didn’t work out and I thought he was a dog after that
I tried to point out the stupidity of each of his arguments to no avail. He also called me fragile. So clearly, in his mind, I was fragile, distressed maiden who didn’t know what was best for herself or what she needed and he swooped in as a big manly protector to save me from myself and/or him.
Save me from Nice Guys and this bullshit. And after all THAT he wanted to meet up anyway and hang out as friends. I chose to spend the day with my gorgeous and wonderful niece instead. Good choice on my part I’d say.
To Be Continued (mostly because if I don’t do at least SOME work today they may just fire me)…..
*Yes, Dear Readers, I am well aware with how problematic this question is. And how wrong. Trust me, I’m aware.