This is the post where I come off the worst, although I don’t think I come off particularly well in any of them. Post 2 is about EN. And there should NEVER have been another post on him, so clearly I fucked up. Big time.
Before I left for Europe, I started missing EN. I did the best I could to ignore this, despite some strong urges to see him. Then, my lift to the airport came down with the flu and was unable to take me, something I found out only a couple of hours before I was due to leave, and EN offered to take me. I gave in to the desire to see him (and the desire to not deal with Sydney public transport with my luggage… yuck…) and agreed. And it was great to talk to him again; not many people know me as well as he does and even less have known me for the same length of time as him. The floodgates were opened.
About a week ago I had this great idea to write a post on my aims and goals for the rest of the year – A sort of delayed New Years Resolution, but more focused on achievements and less on weight, smoking etc etc. Due to life getting in the way of my blogging time I never did get around to writing it and now the whole thought of such a post depresses me.
When I look at my life and realise how little I’ve achieved and how little I have to show for my 21 (22 next week!) years, I despair. I had such grand plans for myself when I was younger and I feel like I’m just never going to get anywhere or achieve anything.
I’m well aware that most of this is depression stemming from the situation I’m in*, but a lot of it has been brewing for awhile. Everytime I see another high school on facebook write something about graduating, I’m reminded of the fact that I still haven’t graduated. I sometimes feel like I’m never going to graduate.
I’ve had four jobs in the last three years. It feels like I’m always the new girl trying to find her feet, not quite knowing the right answers, and always having to prove myself. I’m also constantly worried about managing to stay around in a job long enough to not have a dodgy resume. Which means this job needs to last for at least two years. And I’m not 100% happy in my job and definitely miss my last job a lot more than is healthy.
So, this was going to be an inspiring post about what my goals are, the direction I want to head in, and how I plan to get there. I can’t plan all that out anymore, I just don’t have the energy or inspiration.
Of course I do still have goals etc. I’m just not up to posting them right now.
*I’m not even sure what to call him anymore. Nigel feels inappropriate, and he’s not an ex-nigel and I can’t call him ‘M’ so I’m pretty much out of pseudonyms for him. So there you go.
Nigel and I had a very long, open discussion tonight and have finally faced up to the mess that is our relationship.
Officially we’re calling it a break, and we’ll decide at the end of the break (we haven’t set a limit yet, but most likely 6 weeks) what we want to do from here.
Despite everything, I’m not feeling great right now. I’m also desperately trying to find someone that I can call up and meet for coffee and sit down and talk about it with. Most of my friends that know enough background details on this don’t live in the same country as me, and the few that are have reasons for not being available.
Last night I was thinking about how many friends I have and how great that feels etc etc. Tonight I’m just staring at my phone wondering what the hell to do. I think mostly I’d be able to handle this problem if I could curl up under my blankets for a week, but unfortunately I have to go to work and smile and be cheery and not let it show at all. I don’t know if I’m good enough to pull that off, but I have to be.
I’m not sure if this means increased or decreased posts from here on out, but I’m sure it will mean something.
EDITED: for various reasons parts of this post have been removed. Am happy to discuss in more detail in email communication, but I’m not happy to discuss the reasons on here.
Everyone has issues, yes? I’m included there, I DEFINITELY have issues. But sometimes when I look at the issues in my life I hit this very confusing wall between what’s happening in my life, what I’m doing, choices I’m making etc, and what I believe, especially in relation to feminism. I know I’ve previously said that we all make compromises, but I still feel like I’m an idiot for ending up with the problems I do. It sometimes gets to the point where I don’t feel comfortable turning to my sisters for support, help and advice, because I know how foolish I’ve been, and I know what the answer according to radical feminism is.
When I have(big) nigel issues, I know the radically feminist answer would be to move on with my life. I also know the p-approved response would be to be a better girlfriend so I don’t cause him to create issues. It appears I’d like to have my cake and eat it too though, because neither answer is the one I want. I want my own damn answer.
And when I find myself in a friendship that is just a ridiculously stupid idea, and I know what my radical feminist sisters would think of me if they knew about it, and I know that none of them would be foolish, or p-brainwashed enough to end up in the same situation. I know what the right thing to do is, but unfortunately, I know how hard it is to freeze the friend out and move on. Almost like breaking an addiction. Read the rest of this entry »
At lunch with a (male) friend recently, I was discussing problems I’m having with Nigel. My attraction to other men (not all of them, just a few!) was brought up, and my friend had this to say:
Maybe [Nigel] needs to put a ring on your finger to solve all this.
What an absolutely insane thing to say on so many levels!
I’ve been reading the posts over at Bitch Ph.D. on her open relationship and it’s got me thinking about relationships.
I know I don’t agree with the ‘proper’ set up the patriarchy drums into us in regards to relationships, but I don’t know what I do agree with. I know that Nigel isn’t at the same point as I am, so that if I plan on making this work, I need to deal with the rules the patriarchy tells me to follow. I know I don’t want to end this relationship right now, but I also know there are other opportunities I want to pursue.
I sometimes try to imagine what relationships will be like post patriarchy, but I have issues with this. Mostly, I think relationships will be up to the individuals involved and won’t have such a cookie cutter feel to them. Which is why it’s so hard to visualise.
And sometimes I just feel guilty that I’m in a long term heterosexual relationship. There are many obstacles that women face in life that are negated with the support of a partner, and in a country that is rife with homophobia, there are obvious benefits to being in a heterosexual relationship. The privilege I have is something I have to continually acknowledge and fight.
Don’t ya wish there was a perfect easy solution to everything?
I’m leaving this post public because I think it may actually be beneficial to have real life people read it.
Before I begin the post, I want to clarify an important point. Whilst this blog was public, it was not something that I thought would be easily found by people in my life. The few people in my ‘real’ life that know about this blog I thought were either a) close enough that I trusted them to give me my privacy and stay away, or b) not knowledgeable enough about me to find this. I was wrong on both of those counts.
Twice (that I know of) since the birth of my blog I’ve had people from my real life deliberately seek it out to read it. Both knew I didn’t want them to, yet did so anyway. Incidentally, both were men.
Now when Nigel did it, I understood (after he explained it to me) his reasoning. He could feel me pulling away and wanted to know what was going on. He could have just asked me, as you would in a healthy relationship, but he didn’t. He went snooping and hated what he found. We have discussed this at length, and mostly moved on. But not entirely.
The second time, I can’t figure out a reason for. And I haven’t been given one. I’ve reread many of my posts here, and besides being absolutely appalled at my grammar and typos, I can’t figure out what’s so fascinating.
So there’s a few levels that this disturbs me and causes rifts within relationships.
1) I feel betrayed. Nigel and I have always trusted each other ultimately. We both have each others email passwords, computer passwords, etc etc. They were rarely used because they weren’t needed. Then he sought out my blog to deliberately figure out things I hadn’t told him. Now there’s always a little part of me thinking ‘will he look again?’ ‘will he look at my forums and chats?’ And from his point of view, I’m fairly sure he’s going to be forever wondering if there’s anything I’m hiding from him. There are a few posts here that make it seem like there is. Will he ever be able to feel comfortable again?
2) Privacy. I get that this blog is public and that I shouldn’t post anything I want hidden. There is, however a difference between the general populace that have never and will never meet me, and the people in my life that should not have been able to find this. I thought I had covered my tracks well enough that most people wouldn’t be able to find it. I still don’t know which terms led the second person here. I feel vulnerable that it was so easy to find. Looking back over my posts, I’m horrified at the kind of information in here that has been accessed. Things about my medical problems, anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and even the non personal ones are still pretty telling. Just for a start, I don’t go around advertising I’m a feminist at because it causes problems and isn’t worth it.
3) It doesn’t feel right that someone can read so much about what I’m thinking and feeling without that being reciprocated. When I call a friend and vent about a personal problem, or discuss a diagnosis I’ve received or whatever, I know that they’ll be doing the same next time they need to. There’s a give and take. When an internet friend reads this, I tend to head over to their blogs and read theirs. There’s a reciprocity that makes it work. Simply coming in here and quietly reading all my personal stuff is not equal. It feels like mind games, power play, and manipulation all in one. Whatever the intention was, that’s what it feels like.
Overall it just hurts. I had more to say, but I’m kinda feeling depressed and lousy tonight.
So, to my internet readers, both known and unknown, have you had a similar experience? thoughts? And to my ‘realworld’ friend(s) who may be reading, fess up anonymously and explain anything you need to. K – obviously this doesn’t apply to you, I gave you the link.
One of the problems I’m finding with breaking up from a 5 year relationship at the age of 21 is that last time I was dating, I was 16. 16!! Do you have any idea how big the differences are between dating at 16 and dating at 21? And flirting? BIG difference.
I know in the grand scheme of things this is a pretty minor problem to have. I get it. I’m just saying.
And honestly, going through that does he or doesn’t he crap is ridiculous. I get the feeling I’m never going to have a relationship again simply because I can’t be bothered. I don’t have time for games, I don’t have time to practice the typical femininity rituals that seem to go hand in hand with dating, and I refuse to date any arsehat who is not at the very least a feminist ally. I don’t have time to *convince* the “nice guys” that feminism is something they should be a part of.
So where does that leave me readers? Well at this point it leaves me in limbo, because I have yet to actually dump Nigel. And actually, it kind of leaves me in a bad spot, as I’ve already started flirting and doing things you shouldn’t do when you’re in a relationship with another person. BUT, eventually, it will leave me single for a very long time.
I’m pretty happy not to be in a serious relationship again for a few years at the very least, but the occasional fling might be nice.
Now if I could just stop the flirting and actually get my act together on the moving out/leaving Nigel thing, I might be able to start working on the dating at 21 instead of 16 thing.
Is this weekend sometime. Not sure what my internet situation will be like for awhile. I’m hoping to leave my computer behind and use the net connection at Nigel’s house until I have it set up, but this feels like a stupid move. I’m unlikely to want to hang around much once I’ve got my own place.
This relationship is over. Not in a ‘we just had a massive argument and now I’m speaking in anger’ way, or a ‘I’m so upset and I don’t know what to do’ way. It’s just over. There’s nothing there.
The plan was to move out but stay together to see if that improves anything. It’s no longer the plan in my mind. I cannot wait for the freedom and independence of moving out. I won’t be living alone, but I also won’t be living with anyone who will try to control what I do. And if my roommate doesn’t stick to a cleaning schedule, arse kicking will ensue.
I have not felt this relieved in five years. Just to use a cliche that is very true, it feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I smile more too.