Earlier this year I started dating, and was later dumped by, an old friend.  Someone I had known for ten years, who later felt the need to end things via sms with no explanation.  I’m spectacularly good at picking them, but at least they all make for great blog posts right?

Anyway, this isn’t about how much of a coward he was, because that’s been well covered in my rants elsewhere.  This post is about sex.

At the time, I felt something was … off… but couldn’t put my finger on what it was.  Everything we did was consensual, and felt great, but there was something that didn’t sit right.  And it was only the other day that I worked it all out and wanted some input from others on this.**

More than once while we were in bed he (known as A from this point on) would say ‘you don’t have to move’ and move his hands to a point that would stop me from moving.  Not in a forceful way, just more as a suggestion.  But … is this really something that has any place in the bedroom between two consenting adult partners?  “You don’t have to move”

Forgive me if I’m romanticizing the act of intercourse here, but surely having a partner who is showing signs of life, and of being part of the act, is significantly more enjoyable than one who just lays there?  And surely if you’re sleeping with someone in an act of intimacy, rather than horniness, movement and action and participation is a key factor in mutual enjoyment?

He removed my ability to be an active participant in the action, and that definitely made me uncomfortable.  It’s not cool.  At the time, it was a massive ego blow.  I felt like I was doing it wrong, as if my movement was ruining it for him somehow.  My ego in this area has been sufficiently restored now that I can look back and recognise that this had nothing to do with me, but for awhile it had me doubting myself.

I’m not really sure what my question was going to be when I first thought of this post.  I wanted to share this because in all my readings across the ‘net, I haven’t come across anything similar to this, and it really does strike me as a very problematic thing for him to have said in that moment.  Those moments even, as it was more than once.  So basically, I had more to write and discuss, but through the happiness bubble I’m currently living in, I’m not sure what all that was.

Any thoughts from any readers I’ve got left?

On a brighter note, 2011 is almost over, and so far this year I have not been drugged, locked in anywhere or stalked.  So it’s a huge improvement on 2010.

****************************************************************************************

** I’m horrified that I didn’t pick up on this at the time and that I needed distance, hindsight and thought to work it out.  It seems like something I should have known instantly.

lemonadeandlemoncake at Iced Tea and Lemon Cake has Feminism 101 – Nice Guy Syndrome

Jeff Fecke at Shakesville has Explainer: What is a “Nice Guy?”

Jill at Feministe has I’ll take voting rights over a knight in shining armor, thanks.

tigtog dealt with it nicely at Finally, A Feminism 101 Blog in Frequently Whimpered Whines: The Nice Guys™ theme song

the ex-expat at The Hand Mirror has The nice guy (TM)

There’s a collection of awesome at Heartless Bitches

A comic here

Can anyone guess what I’ve spent all day at work doing?

Nice Guy Scenario 3; Douchebag.  Not a very original nickname, granted, but I find it appropriate.  And in this situation, more than in any of the others, I should have known better.  I really really should have.  But that’s ok, live and learn, onwards and upwards, blah blah etc etc.

So DB was a “good friend” that I had problematic conversations with previously.  But I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying to be friends.  My bad.  One such conversation had involved DB trying to ascertain if I was interested in him in a very roundabout way, which then led to him straight out saying that he wanted to break up with his girlfriend but didn’t want to be alone.  So if he knew someone ‘as awesome as [me]’ was interested in him, he’d leave her.  I told him to pull his head in and that he’d be better off alone because that was an unfair situation and I wouldn’t put myself in that position.  He didn’t take it that well.

Moving right along to the argument this post is about though, DB took exception to my comments about Clueless Boy from the previous post.  He agreed with him that I do only notice the arsehats, and that lots of Nice Guys like me (he was including himself in this category as much as CB was.  Funny that).  Now I lost it at this point and blocked him on msn so I could have some breathing space.  DB then sent me an sms, to which I responded that I would be blocking his number and not to reply.  So he moved it to facebook.  The very nature of the way he carried this argument out is predatory.  I was asking for space and time to calm down and he utilized every means of communication available to him to bring as much of the drama to me as possible.  This is not cool.  It’s not something a decent person would do.  But I, being the very Silly Rabbit that I have been for the past little while, finally entertained his bullshit.

Some snippets of the ensuing argument, since it was a much longer one than the others:

All opinions of DB were stated as absolute total facts, there was no “I feel that these actions constitute this definition for the following reasons…” it was just “if you do this it means you are that and that is the worst thing anyone can do in the history of ever”
He categorized my avoidance of the argument as me being “weak” for “running from the truth”.  Because, of course, HE is the Speaker of Truth, and the only way anything can be Known is by listening to his Fresh! Manly! Wisdom!
DB spent a great deal of time explaining all the ways women have done him wrong in the past when he was a perfect boyfriend (his depiction), and used this as justification for his current behaviour and his attitude of doing whatever makes him happy*
DB’s definition of being a ‘good guy’** “I am a pretty good guy, definitely not perfect, but I don’t hit women, never hurt them, I don’t hurt kids, I am compassionate, I do what is asked of me within reason”.  Doesn’t that just make him passable as a human being?  Am I missing something?  When did that particular list become exceptionable qualities in a human being??  Surely they are the bare minimum, surely?!

You know what?  There’s a lot more to this argument but it’s not worth my time anymore.  He tried the same as Toto, wherein he gave a whole sob story to get sympathy to justify current behaviour.  I ignored it this time also.  He then turned it into an attack on me by taking my behaviour, specifically that I have previously dated more than one person at once, labeled it as cheating, then labeled THAT as the “most selfish act one can do”.

DB is no longer part of my life.  He still claims he’s a Good Guy and the he deserves whatever woman he wants.

Nice Guy Scenario 4; Fuck-Knuckle Dum and Fuck-Knuckle Dee.  Troll boys, both of these two.  Any of you readers that have me on facebook will know these two as the ones who were trolling my statuses a few weeks ago.  They’re gone from my list now, and I’m not sure why it took me so long, but boy am I glad they are.  These two took exception to anything anti male I had to say at all.  Their suggestion was that I stop hanging out with arseholes.

Now FK Dum was already ‘on notice’ to me as far as the friendship was concerned.  I’d found out recently that he’d been having a discussion with DB about what they each like in women and they both spent a fair amount of time discussing my breasts.  Apparently though, this wasn’t objectification because they were only talking about looks at that point in time, and also it’s clearly meant to be a compliment because I’m well aware I have the best breasts in this group of friends.  (sidenote: and they all wonder why I’m so bitter towards men?  Really?) FK Dum had specifically said in this conversation that he would like “to ride that^ to the moon and back” and that whilst he felt he had a “golden ticket” to do so he didn’t want to ruin the friendship.  I’d like to ruin something precious to him after being spoken about like that.

FK Dee blames me for the recent run of arseholes in my life, and stated that people tend to hang out with those similar to themselves, so maybe I should look internally.  I pointed out that this was inherently victim blaming, and was told that if I don’t want to be a victim, I shouldn’t make myself one.  And that if I was sick of being treated like crap I should stop hanging out with douchebags.  I have since stopped hanging out with all of these three, and I have definitely been happier, so maybe he was on to something there.

*sighs*

I’m going to do a longer post on this soon, however I did want to point out that I’m now seeing a decent guy who is wonderful and treats me great.  And he’s never once in his life called himself a Nice Guy to me, nor does he think any of the above behaviour was acceptable.  So no, I don’t hate all men, no I don’t think all men are arseholes, no I don’t intentionally hang out with arsehats.  I just give people the benefit of the doubt.  Clearly in most cases I shouldn’t.

Any Nice Guy stories to share, Dear Readers?  If, indeed, I happen to have any of you left after my uber long hiatus.

**************************************************************

*It’s important to note here that I really never actually gave a shit about his attitude, except insofar as he was never going to be someone I dated because of it.  His anger here stemmed from me saying he’s not exactly altruistic in relationships.  That’s all I said.  I’d wager the defensive nature of his responses has more to do with his own conscience than anything I could have said.

** he’s aware enough not to use the phrase ‘nice guy’ around me.

^ They weren’t objectifying me but they referred to me as a ‘that’.  Logic: you’re doing it wrong.

So Nice Guy scenario 1, or, Clueless Boy.  Clueless Boy and I were very close friends.  We hung out all the time and communicated every chance we got.  We bonded and formed a very close relationship.  Clueless Boy wanted more and often hinted at this, but I chose to ignore the hints.  I was still working out what I wanted, and I honestly feel that hints and games and subtle double meanings can be ignored if you don’t want to respond to them.  If someone wants an honest answer to something, they need to ask an honest question.  And that would almost be an entirely different rant, except it’s kind of not.  If you never ask someone out, you can’t complain about the types of people they go out with.  Actually you can’t really complain either way, but you ABSOLUTELY have less justification if you haven’t even been honest about how you feel and what you want out of a relationship with another person.  So, ANYWAY, the time came when I thought I might want to see where everything led with CB and maybe take it further.  Once I made up my mind on this, I tried to make a time to hang out with him, so I could discuss it all face to face and not through any other medium.

Now, at the time, CB was attempting to organize a first date with a woman he met through an online dating website.  She was consistently cancelling on him at the last minute, or would just stop replying to his messages before details could be finalized for the date.  He had told me he had given up on her, and it was only when hearing this that I decided to make a move.  When I asked if he would be free that night (and from subsequent emails, he was well aware of what I wanted to discuss), his response was that he was supposed to be meeting up with her, but that if she cancelled on him again, he’d be more than happy to hang out with me.  This was the point where I pulled the plug.  Either I am your first choice, or I’m not a choice at all.  And it was poor and clumsy phrasing on his part.  We have, however, remained good friends and he’s currently in a relationship with someone else entirely and I’m glad it didn’t all turn to shit from that one incident.

HOWEVER, one night I was feeling particularly depressed at the number of utter arseholes in my life and asked him “If I’m so awesome, why do I only seem to attract arseholes?”* And his response was that I attract everyone but only notice the arseholes.  So if you’re following this, it’s MY fault there are so many arsehats in my life because I just will not pay attention to those Nice Guys over there.  The ones who not only keep you as a back up option in case the first choice falls through, BUT TELL YOU THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE DOING.

No.  Just a hundred bags full of no.  The reason I’m seeing so many arsehats in my life?  Because there are so many of them there.  And everywhere.  If there were less in the world overall, as a ratio of arsehats to decent guys, I’d see more of the latter.  But this was indeed the least offensive of the conversations I engaged in over the last month.

Nice Guy Scenario 2; Toto.  I can’t explain this nickname in this space, however rest assured, it is a nickname just like all the others.  Toto actually gave me fair warning in our very first conversation by complaining that girls only like dickheads and they ignore all the nice guys and only want them as friends blah blah.  I’d have to imagine that if any of you reading this haven’t heard this same rant a thousand times, you must live in a wonderful magical universe with unicorns and rainbows.  And I would like an invite to join you.  For the rest of you, I’m pretty sure you know how it goes.  So anyway, he improved as we got to know each other, and we had plans to meet up and go out and I thought it might actually work for once and that things would be cool.  Silly Rabbit.

One night, out of nowhere, in the middle of a conversation about nothing, he says that he has too many issues and he just wants to be friends for now because he doesn’t want to screw me up.  He said that if he weren’t such a nice guy, he’d be able to ‘get some pussy’ but because he’s a nice guy he misses out, and this is his ‘burden to bear’.  And did you all notice the ‘for now’ part of that?  So he wants to keep his options to ‘get some pussy’ with me open for a future date in case he changes his mind.  No.  No.  A hundred thousand bags full of no.

In terms of technique, the conversation itself progressed like this:

First he said we should be friends and that he’s an awesome friend to have because he’s a great listener
Then he said I need to “sort some shit out first” and that he’s really doing this for my own good (isn’t he awesome?!)
Then he started flirting again
Then he threw in a big sob story about not trusting women and I must be special because he trusts me and he had a bad childhood and he doesn’t want to screw me up because he’d rather ‘have a friend than a lay’
And then he threw in that it would suck if we dated and it didn’t work out and I thought he was a dog after that

I tried to point out the stupidity of each of his arguments to no avail.  He also called me fragile.  So clearly, in his mind, I was fragile, distressed maiden who didn’t know what was best for herself or what she needed and he swooped in as a big manly protector to save me from myself and/or him.

Blah.

Save me from Nice Guys and this bullshit.  And after all THAT he wanted to meet up anyway and hang out as friends.  I chose to spend the day with my gorgeous and wonderful niece instead.  Good choice on my part I’d say.

To Be Continued  (mostly because if I don’t do at least SOME work today they may just fire me)…..

************************************************************************************************

*Yes, Dear Readers, I am well aware with how problematic this question is.  And how wrong.  Trust me, I’m aware.

The inch by inch theory is the reason I hold grudges for so long.  Otherwise it will happen the same way every time: someone does something big and huge and unforgivable, and you walk away from them.  Then, over time, you let go of the anger because you want to be lighter and happy and a better person, but there’s still no need to talk to that person.  Then, you run into them somewhere and you smile a little and say hi, because what’s the point in ignoring them, and you’ve already forgotten about the mean thing, right?  Plus, it’s not like you’re friends, you’re just saying hi.  And then, you’re both at a party or a pub or whatever and you run into each other and there’s a bit of small talk, because after all, there’s no point in being angry anymore, right?  You’re both in the same place, you may as well be nice and catching up with someone you’ve known for a while is fun.  Then it happens a few more times, and you’re catching up with them more often than you’d think.  And you’ve forgotten about that horrible thing, and you’re just acquaintances, so it’s all good.  Until something major goes wrong for one of you, and the other is the one that is turned to.  Whether it’s them or you, the bond is formed again and whatever has gone wrong is worked through and you’re closer than ever.  And then they do something big and huge and unforgivable.  And that’s when you remember why you weren’t friends anymore in the first place.

It happens at work all the time too.  One day you work back ten minutes, just to finish this one thing.  The next week you take on one extra task at work, because you can and it’s helpful and you have the time right?  No big deal.  And both continue, until one day you’re working overtime every single day and doing the work of two people.  Because it happens slowly, inch by inch, and you don’t notice it. 

I can’t think of one area of my life this doesn’t apply to.  Relationships, assignments, family etc.  When things are happening slowly, one step at a time, you lose focus of the big picture, until suddenly you’re overwhelmed.  And protesting over every little thing seems childish and stupid and petty right?  But where do you draw the line?

This is why I’m stubborn to the point of stupidity sometimes.  Compromise and forgiveness are two things that set you on this path very quickly.  You start dating a guy you like and you’re having a great time.  And little things are happening that you reason away, or justify or choose to compromise on.  Until suddenly the whole relationship has exploded and you look back and wonder how the hell you ended up with a racist, sexist, controlling arsehole.  And the answer is, inch by inch.*

I don’t actually have any conclusions to this post.  Every time I think I’m ready to wrap it up, I think of a new example.  I can apply my theory to feminism, too.  You compromise on one little aspect of your feminist beliefs, one day.  And then it’s another one and another.  And suddenly one day you’re at work with shaved legs, straightened hair, make up, pointy toed high heels, giggling and flirting to get something done by one of the boys and you think how did I get here?

Like I said, no conclusions on this post.  I don’t know how to fix this or what normal people think about any of it.  It’s just something I’ve been stewing on recently.  Any insight or input would definitely be appreciated.

———————————————
*no pun here, get your minds out of the gutter please.

It’s been 10 weeks since I stopped taking anti-depressants.  This is huge for me because I’m still functioning.  I’m bending a bit under pressure, and there is massive temptation to just start on them again to make everything all perfect and rosy.  But it won’t make everything all perfect and rosy, and it will be harder to quit next time.  And honestly, if I can’t handle my shit at this stage in my life, I’ll never be able to.  So it’s time to learn.  And I’m actually doing pretty well at it.  So yay for me.

It’s been 8 weeks since I lost my best friend.  And if we stop, just for one minute, and forget about why I lost him, this has more of an impact.  Forgetting the violation and the betrayal, you’re left with everything he was to me.  Which was everything, really.  And when I’m depressed, I’ve lost the person I turn to, to pull me back out of my hole.  I haven’t had to cope without him to lean on in a very long time, and he was as much as a part of my coping mechanisms as anything else I’ve ever used.  So 8 weeks without him, an extra two on top of that with no meds, and I’m still functioning fairly ok actually.*

I quit smoking 6 weeks ago.  I’ve had two in that time, but I don’t count that as falling off the wagon.  6 weeks is a spectacular feat here, given the number of smoke breaks at work, the number of very long, boring car rides, the number of awkward phone calls, and the number of times I’ve just been outside bored.  All times I’d normally light up that I’ve had to find other things to do during.

For those not counting at home, that’s three of my biggest crutches gone.  And there are moments that I’m just lost.  Utterly lost.  But I’m here and I’m functioning and I’m (mostly) enjoying myself.  There’s a friend that I met the through the bestie that is fairly wonderful and when I talk to him I have to hold myself back.  He could so easily become everything the other one was and more, and I find I can’t let myself allow that to happen.  I end up avoiding him for two weeks, then talking at great length.  Then avoiding again.  I’ve also been avoiding alcohol as much as possible.  There are three very, very big holes in my life from these three things, and alcohol is something I do not want filling any of them up.  That would be bad.  And very very easy to do.

But I’m surviving   And I really am mostly enjoying myself.  Through all the stress and hard times at the moment, I’m still doing ok.  What I’m waiting for, however, is the next big huge horrible thing in my life.  Because I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it through that.  And the big things seem to happen often enough to make me worry.

————————————————————————————–

*Interesting note: if I’d had ANY idea what was in store for me I wouldn’t have stopped the meds at that point.  Also, If I’d found out first, the meds wouldn’t have been stopped after that revelation.

I feel a bit like I’m covering an old topic here, because I’ve been having this conversation/argument/rant with/at people for years.  Ever since I decided I don’t want kids.

What does the general population find so hard to believe about the fact that I don’t want kids?

In the original draft of this post I began by listing all the qualities and characteristics about me that prove I shouldn’t have kids.  And then I deleted every single line of it, because why should I have to do that?  Why do I need to justify my desire not to have kids?  Do I really need to prove to everyone that I’d be a shit mother so they’ll leave me alone?

When I was diagnosed with PCOS, I jumped at the chance to just say ‘I can’t have kids.’  I know that technically my chances are low, not nil, and that it is still a possibility if I want them.  BUT I DON’T.  Shouldn’t that be the key decider in all this?  Imagine this:

Person 1: Do you want kids?  Person 2: No. Person 1: ok, cool.  How was your weekend?

How easy was that?  So simple, so easy, no judgement.

A relative went so far as to describe all the surgeries and medical treatments a friend with PCOS underwent to have a kid.  WHY WOULD I DO THAT?  Expensive, painful, and ends in a baby.  Why???

I’ve been warned that I could regret my decision.  True, I could.  I could also regret having them, and that would be a lot harder to fix.  And yeah, all those people who can’t have kids?  That’s a really crappy situation for them.  And yet, it’s also not my responsibility.  I’m not going to pop a few out just to make up for those who can’t have one.  Also, surely it’s more of a kick in the face to these people to just have a baby because you can?  I can’t say for certain, but I’m fairly sure it would be.  Logically.

But they’re not fighting with logic, are they?  They’re using guilt and thousands of years of repression and dominance to put me back in my place as a breeder. **  I don’t question people who tell me they don’t want to go to uni, don’t want to own their own business, never want to travel, don’t ever want to read a book, etc, so why the hell are my choices getting questioned?

And right there, with one word, I think I’ve found my answer.  Choice.  Either people are STILL struggling with the idea that it’s actually my choice if I have kids or not, or people are struggling with the idea that I would possibly choose not to have them.  And if women can choose not to have kids, what else do they know they can choose?  Holy crap this better be contained or next we’ll think we can run countries and stuff.

We should not have to justify these decisions in 2010.  It’s almost 2011 and as women we are still having to justify why we make whatever decision we choose to make with our lives, and specifically (and more infuriating to me) our bodies.  And that is complete and utter bullshit.

“I don’t want kids.” “cool, how was your weekend”.

That’s it.

————————————————————————-

*Sorry if this post is a bit disjointed, I’m stressed and tired and overworked.  Three more reasons my lifestyle doesn’t work if you add kids to the mix.

** Please know I’m not saying that anyone who has kids is merely reduced to this.  If that’s what you wanted, awesome and I’m so happy that you got that.  But if you have different dreams, no one has the right to force you to follow out their ideas for your life instead of your own.  It’s bullshit.

The 30th Down Under Feminists Carnival is up over at Fat Lot of Good and is overrun with awesome reads.  Go check it out.

The thing is, if I’m telling a story, or venting, or trying to get something off my chest, and your response is ‘try to see the positive side’, or ‘be a glass half full person’ or anything along those lines, you are Missing The Point.

I KNOW what the positives are.  If I’ve had one bad day at work, I’m still aware of all the good things about my job.  If we’re coming up with a list of reasons to stay vs reasons to leave, awesome.  But if I just need to vent, your positivity does not help.  It’s frustrating, annoying and makes me want to punch you in the head.

This has come up a number of times recently, mostly with boys.  I can’t stand it.  And if you really do go through life only looking at positive things, I cannot even begin to imagine how you get anything done.  Or how you don’t just walk around in constant disappointment all day.  At least when I walk into a situation, I’m aware of the good and the bad, and I’m not focusing on either.  Just weighing it all up to see what’s going on.

So, positive people?  Just stop please.

Same with anyone who says ‘agree to disagree’.  Do not want to hear that anymore either.

I date two types of guys, deadset, downright arsehats and really really over the top nice guys.  Not Nice Guys ™, but actually genuinely nice guys.  Two very big extremes, I have issues with middle grounds.  It’s true, ask my psych

About six weeks ago I started dating a guy that was kind, considerate, fairly smart, funny and could mostly keep up with me.  And by the third date I was over it.  Or, at least I thought I was.  So I let him know I wasn’t interested and I walked away.

Now I’ve had three dates with another awesome guy.  He is nicer than nice, intelligent, considerate, kind etc and yet, I’m hesitating.  And I don’t know how to work out if the hesitation is commitmentphobia or genuinely just not being that into him.  How does anyone work this out?

I’m of the opinion that I have damn good reasons to be a commitmentphobe at this time in my life.  After everything in the last few years, even forgetting my childhood and ancient history, I have every reason in the world to be terrified of commitment and relationships.

Although it’s the unexpected stuff that’s proving to be the hardest.  Sharing my friends with another person, talking to them instead of my friends when in a group, ensuring I have time away from my friends every week to spend time with the boy instead.  It’s actually hard.

And since I started this post, I’ve done discussed this with a few friends.  One pointed out that she can’t help me because she doesn’t know what I want out of any of this.  Neither do I.  I guess if I don’t want to share my life with another person, I don’t actually want a relationship.  Then what am I doing?

Another friend pointed out that if I’m spending even one second of my time with a guy thinking ‘really? I’m here with this guy when that one’s over there?’ then I’m not interested in them.  But isn’t that just me being superficial?  Is that really a reflection on my feelings for the guy I’m with, or a reflection of my fear of commitment to one person?

I have no answers.  A few things kicked me in the stomach today about the guy that drugged me.  I was committed to him as a friend.  Moreso than anyone ever in my life previously.  And I didn’t want to meet his friends or have him hang out with mine.  I didn’t want him to be mixed into my life, I just wanted time with him when we could fit it in.

So maybe I want a relationship, just not one that fits the current societal definition?

WHO KNOWS?  not me.