I’m leaving this post public because I think it may actually be beneficial to have real life people read it.
Before I begin the post, I want to clarify an important point. Whilst this blog was public, it was not something that I thought would be easily found by people in my life. The few people in my ‘real’ life that know about this blog I thought were either a) close enough that I trusted them to give me my privacy and stay away, or b) not knowledgeable enough about me to find this. I was wrong on both of those counts.
Twice (that I know of) since the birth of my blog I’ve had people from my real life deliberately seek it out to read it. Both knew I didn’t want them to, yet did so anyway. Incidentally, both were men.
Now when Nigel did it, I understood (after he explained it to me) his reasoning. He could feel me pulling away and wanted to know what was going on. He could have just asked me, as you would in a healthy relationship, but he didn’t. He went snooping and hated what he found. We have discussed this at length, and mostly moved on. But not entirely.
The second time, I can’t figure out a reason for. And I haven’t been given one. I’ve reread many of my posts here, and besides being absolutely appalled at my grammar and typos, I can’t figure out what’s so fascinating.
So there’s a few levels that this disturbs me and causes rifts within relationships.
1) I feel betrayed. Nigel and I have always trusted each other ultimately. We both have each others email passwords, computer passwords, etc etc. They were rarely used because they weren’t needed. Then he sought out my blog to deliberately figure out things I hadn’t told him. Now there’s always a little part of me thinking ‘will he look again?’ ‘will he look at my forums and chats?’ And from his point of view, I’m fairly sure he’s going to be forever wondering if there’s anything I’m hiding from him. There are a few posts here that make it seem like there is. Will he ever be able to feel comfortable again?
2) Privacy. I get that this blog is public and that I shouldn’t post anything I want hidden. There is, however a difference between the general populace that have never and will never meet me, and the people in my life that should not have been able to find this. I thought I had covered my tracks well enough that most people wouldn’t be able to find it. I still don’t know which terms led the second person here. I feel vulnerable that it was so easy to find. Looking back over my posts, I’m horrified at the kind of information in here that has been accessed. Things about my medical problems, anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and even the non personal ones are still pretty telling. Just for a start, I don’t go around advertising I’m a feminist at because it causes problems and isn’t worth it.
3) It doesn’t feel right that someone can read so much about what I’m thinking and feeling without that being reciprocated. When I call a friend and vent about a personal problem, or discuss a diagnosis I’ve received or whatever, I know that they’ll be doing the same next time they need to. There’s a give and take. When an internet friend reads this, I tend to head over to their blogs and read theirs. There’s a reciprocity that makes it work. Simply coming in here and quietly reading all my personal stuff is not equal. It feels like mind games, power play, and manipulation all in one. Whatever the intention was, that’s what it feels like.
Overall it just hurts. I had more to say, but I’m kinda feeling depressed and lousy tonight.
So, to my internet readers, both known and unknown, have you had a similar experience? thoughts? And to my ‘realworld’ friend(s) who may be reading, fess up anonymously and explain anything you need to. K – obviously this doesn’t apply to you, I gave you the link.