About a week ago I had this great idea to write a post on my aims and goals for the rest of the year – A sort of delayed New Years Resolution, but more focused on achievements and less on weight, smoking etc etc. Due to life getting in the way of my blogging time I never did get around to writing it and now the whole thought of such a post depresses me.
When I look at my life and realise how little I’ve achieved and how little I have to show for my 21 (22 next week!) years, I despair. I had such grand plans for myself when I was younger and I feel like I’m just never going to get anywhere or achieve anything.
I’m well aware that most of this is depression stemming from the situation I’m in*, but a lot of it has been brewing for awhile. Everytime I see another high school on facebook write something about graduating, I’m reminded of the fact that I still haven’t graduated. I sometimes feel like I’m never going to graduate.
I’ve had four jobs in the last three years. It feels like I’m always the new girl trying to find her feet, not quite knowing the right answers, and always having to prove myself. I’m also constantly worried about managing to stay around in a job long enough to not have a dodgy resume. Which means this job needs to last for at least two years. And I’m not 100% happy in my job and definitely miss my last job a lot more than is healthy.
So, this was going to be an inspiring post about what my goals are, the direction I want to head in, and how I plan to get there. I can’t plan all that out anymore, I just don’t have the energy or inspiration.
Of course I do still have goals etc. I’m just not up to posting them right now.
*I’m not even sure what to call him anymore. Nigel feels inappropriate, and he’s not an ex-nigel and I can’t call him ‘M’ so I’m pretty much out of pseudonyms for him. So there you go.