The Parts I Regret – More tales from the frontline

June 10, 2009 at 10:54 am (arsehats, Dating, feminism, Giant Babies, idiots, male privilege, personal)

So, it’s all well and good to pick on B in these posts (and believe me, there’s more to come), but there are parts I regret from the whole thing.  And this post is the hardest one I’ve ever had to write.  I’m going to own up to things in this post that I’m thoroughly disgusted at myself for doing.  Seriously, I’m not sure why I thought it was cool to put up with this crap.  I miss my big sister a lot because I know if she was here she would have kicked my arse.  And now I’m just stalling, so I’ll stop that now and get into the list of things I regret.

toxic

Alright, straight up, my biggest regret from the weekend is losing a plate.  On our second date we had a deal that he would cook dinner and I would bring dessert, because I love baking.  I truly do, I think it’s awesome fun and it relaxes me.  Anyway, I took a plate of brownies over, and since I was at his house til 3:30 the next morning, grabbing my plate wasn’t top of the list of things I was thinking about.  Actually, given how incredibly tired I was at this point (I’d been up since 7am), not much was at the top of that list.  And when I went to see him again on the Sunday night, I did ask for my plate back on the Monday morning and he said no.  It still had brownies on it and he said he’d give it back to me later.  For some stupid reason, I accepted this and left without it, despite having absolutely no desire to see this jerk again.  So now my dinnerset for four is down to three.  I hate myself a little bit for not getting that plate back, no matter how trivial it sounds now.

Well, in case you all missed a big massive problem in what I’ve written up there ^^, going to his house on the second date is also something I’m angry at myself over.  Second dates should not occur at someone’s house, and they should definitely not last until the early hours of the morning.  I know better now, and I remember knowing better when he asked me, but I also remember thinking that if I said no he’d get annoyed and wouldn’t ask me out again.  I didn’t even really want to go on a second date with him, the first wasn’t that spectacular, and yet the thought that I might annoy him by voicing my concerns prevented me from saying anything.  When did I become one of those girls?  Anyone reading this that knows me from other places will need to comment on this post so that the ones who have never met me don’t think I’m like this normally.  The whole not standing up for myself, not voicing my concerns for fear of angering someone, etc?  So far from being ‘me’ that I don’t recognise this person at all.

Which leads to the part where I not only went back to his house for the third date, but stayed the night.  Again, no one else’s business at all but I didn’t sleep with him.  And so not the point.  I’m still angry at myself over going back after spending all of Saturday talking to my friends about what a dick he was.  Where did my brain go to when my phone rang?  I can’t even use the excuse that I like him so much I was blinded, because quite frankly, I wasn’t that keen on him from the start.  I just lost all common sense, and I convinced myself that I had no choice but to stay because I was too tired to drive home.  That’s kind of true, I was way too screwed up to drive home by the time it hit 3:30 again, but I easily could have left earlier and been fine.

The reason this post is so hard is that I don’t want people losing respect for me.  And I find it hard to think anyone could *not* lose respect for me with these stories, when I’ve completely lost respect for myself based on these stories.  Onwards, anyway.

On the way to B’s house on Sunday night, he sent me a message asking me to stop off at a petrol station on the way and grab toilet paper because he was out.  !!!!!  I’m not sure if this is as rude and crap as I think it is, or if the rest of you are sitting at home going “… so what?”  I did stop and get the toilet paper, even though I was tempted to just turn around and drive the 45 minute drive home.  On the other hand, if I was going to be at his house, I kind of wanted to make sure I had toilet paper to use while I was there.  When I got there, I somehow ended up being the one to make the coffee and tea instead of him.  In his house.  Not 100% sure how that works, and I remember thinking at the time that something was very wrong with the picture.

The picture became a lot clearer the next morning when we woke up and he wanted me to make him breakfast.  And he wasn’t joking this time, he went to great lengths to describe where the cereal was in the kitchen, how he likes it made etc etc.  I flat out refused to do it, and eventually he backed down.  However, later he brought up dealbreakers because we’d been discussing them earlier and he said a woman refusing to make him breakfast would be one for him.  He did concede that refusing after having stayed over 4 or 5 times is very different to refusing after the first time, but it’s still a dealbreaker for him.  He also asked if I was refusing out of some sort of ‘feminist power trip’, which I found incredibly interesting in that I hadn’t mentioned feminism once in the entire time I’d been talking to him.  Even when he was dribbling on with his misogyny crap, I still did not argue or mention feminism, so I have no idea where that comment came from, other than he clearly saw it as a way of coercing me into doing what he wanted.  I asked him if demanding I make his breakfast was a male power trip and he backed down again.

Ok, this is a longer, less entertaining post than the first so I’m going to wrap it up.  But my final regret would be that I spent so much time with him this weekend instead of on my assignments.  This is my future.  The picture I’m getting of myself from my actions this weekend is not a pretty one and I’d like to fix it before it gets worse.

So, dear readers, have you lost all respect for me now?  Or will you hang around for the final two posts on B?  I hope you do.  They’ll be a lot less depressing!

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2 Comments

  1. Hendo said,

    THIS GUY SUX.

    Nobody’s gonna lose respect for you. Really. We’re all much harder on ourselves than on other people. And sometimes I think the problems arise in dating – putting up with silly things like a refusal to return a plate, or staying over, or picking up weird grocery items – because we’re all taught to be such nice girls. We’re all taught to expect the best in others. So something in your subconscious, while you are hearing him go ‘No, I’m not gonna give your plate back’, is saying, ‘Hey that’s ok. I can be the one to accommodate.’ and you reset your niceness expectations. Maybe he will be normal later. Maybe he will leap up and make YOU breakfast.

    You know?

    I do the same thing, anyway. Can be ferocious elsewhere but sometimes put up with too much ridiculous behaviour from blokes.

  2. Snk said,

    I have not lost any respect for you, whyimbitter. Reading this post makes me want to fly over to Australia and kick his head in ;-P. I’m shocked that men like this exist who are merely 26. I am saddened that our generation has failed to grow up feminist – we were supposedly growing up in a post-feminist world. I was duped as a child. Adults around me like my mother were saying, “we may live like this and behave like this, but you won’t.” I believed her, perhaps because I wanted to. I can’t get over the fact that patriarchy has been replicated once again – but I still hope that one day the process will terminate. I wish I could fix things for every woman I know – I obviously can’t, but I am furious.

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