Again

June 11, 2009 at 11:52 pm (personal)

EN’s grandmother died today.  I was incredibly close to her during our time together, and I was at the hospital to say goodbye to her today.  I left the hospital for twenty minutes as I felt it was more important to feed my face than to be by her side.  She stopped breathing while I was out buying a kebab.

The only way for me to function is to not think about what happened.  I have very little to remember her by around my house, most of the memories, or memory triggering items, are at EN’s house.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  Right now everything just hurts and I was not in a place where I could sufficiently deal with my life as it was.  This has knocked me out (metaphorically).

I know it’s not about me, she wasn’t my relative.  But she felt like she was.  And I feel like my whole world has been turned about, and I hate it and I can’t cope with it.

So if there’s no posting for awhile?  that’s why.  and if there’s heaps of posts for awhile? It’s because I need to not think about how this amazing, wonderful lady is no longer part of my life, and never will be again.

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2 Comments

  1. Hendo said,

    I’m so sorry, doll 😦

    Listen. Grief does anything and everything to you. It’s ok not to think about it at all, and it’s ok if you’re thinking about it all the time. Both are normal. It’s a big thing to take in. (I remember feeling like my world was a little snow globe, and I’d never known, but someone had now picked it up and given it a good hard shake.) And, you knew her for a long time: you don’t have to be a blood relative to feel like someone is family. I’m sure you knew that, I just wanted to say it.

    Don’t feel bad that she died while you went out. Honestly, it *was* important for you to eat (it still is). You’re a human. Humans get hungry. Something else humans do is, sometimes, when they are near the end, they will wait until everyone else is out of the room and then slip off quietly while no one is watching. They hold on for us, but then when we give them a moment, they feel they can let go.

    It might not hurt you if you *can* have something tangible of hers, or a photo. Could you ask EN? if you don’t have something suitable?

    Thinking of you. Do what you need to.

    • whyimbitter said,

      Thank you for this. I’m at work and honestly can’t address your comment with anything more substantial at the moment, but I want to say thank you.

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