I’ve always been the type of person that other people judge. I’m loud and noticeable and refuse to do what I’m bloody well told to, so it’s my own fault really. The upside is, I’ve never really cared what anyone small minded enough to judge me thinks – I don’t have it in me to give a shit.
But that kind of all changed when I entered the dating scene. And not because of what any potential* may think, but because of what my family and friends and other loved ones do think. Most people in my life were not around last time I was dating, and the few that were, mostly had no idea what I was getting up to – for good reason!
I forgot how hidden I used to keep things when I re-entered the dating ‘game’ last month. And why I did so. I’m an adult, I make my own choices in life and I wear them as proudly as I can, because dammit, they’re mine. It is my right to royally fuck up with any given choice and it’s my right to own the choices I make. And yet, it’s hard to stick to that resolve.
Specifically, I’m looking at sexual decisions, but there’s a couple of other ones that enter into it. This post is not password protected because of the mistakes I made, it was the act itself that made me want to lock it. Just so we’re clear, I am 100% comfortable with all decisions I have made about who to sleep with and when. I’m just not 100% comfortable with the way others look at me when they find out. My sister, for instance, figured out some stuff about plateboy and I when we last spoke on Skype.** In the most recent conversation with her, she also found out that not only does he not know where I work, he doesn’t know my last name. There aren’t any significant reasons for this, but to my sister these factors have combined to earn me the label of ‘slut’. Not that she said it so directly, but I know her well enough by now.
She also said it’s a fact I might not want other people knowing. Actually dear sister, I don’t give a flying fuck if everyone knows. Well, except insofar as it’s my personal life and I’m not a big sharer in general. I was comfortable with what I knew about him, and with where we stood in relation to each other to participate in the actions I chose, and that, at the end of the day, should be all that matters.
But I did password protect the post. And some doubts crept through my mind before sharing the password with certain people. Respect is something it takes me a long, long time to earn. Or to feel like I’ve earned it. Not that I can guarantee these people respected me beforehand, but I fear the loss of respect through making such details known. Really, it shouldn’t bother me. Anyone who judges me based on this stuff is not worth my time. But that’s a lot easier said than followed.
Now, have I left you all with another rambling and confused post, or is there a clear, concise point in there?
*I think that’s what I’m going to call dates from now on. Potentials. has a certain ring to it — it’s also what we call a certain kind of debtor at work 😉
**She’s overseas at the moment, in case I forgot to mention