My cousin (we’ll call her S) is breaking my heart. She is twenty four and has a lot going for her. Except for her dickhead boyfriend. He is not something good in her life and it hurts when I think of the situation she’s currently in.
I recently found out that he has previously cheated on her four times. That’s with four different people for those wanting the clarification. After this revelation (and it’s kinda telling that she hid this from us), she found out he had a mobile phone that he was hiding from her and, when she found it, he spent a long time trying to delete as many messages as he could before she saw them. He’s slept with at least two more women (as well as the other four) and has stopped short off sleeping with others. When all of this came to light, she dumped him. She didn’t kick him out of her house, or even our of her bed, but they were apparently broken up. And he was saying things like “I have nothing to live for without you” and “At work today I was on the 42nd floor and realised how easy it would be to unclip my harness”. Given past events, his comments are way out of line and unacceptable. I would dump him for that part alone. He also told her that the only reason they’re not together anymore is because she won’t forgive him.**
She did forgive him. They are now back together. I knew this was coming before it happened and it still kills me that she’s succumbed to his shit. S appears to be a very strong person. She fell pregnant at 18 and has raised her little boy almost alone. His father is another dickhead, who hit her and so was kicked out. Of fifteen boyfriends she’s ever had, thirteen have cheated on her. I had her on the phone to me almost in tears asking what was wrong with her that so many of them have done this. I found out later that this sentiment has come from her brother, who straight out asked her what she was doing wrong that they had to look elsewhere. The same brother also asked why she made her ex so mad he had to hit her. It can be really hard not to hate men sometimes.^
Her biggest fear, and her second biggest reason for taking dickhead back^^, is that she won’t find anyone else. When I tell her she deserves better, and can get it, she thinks I mean a relationship. She’d be better off alone, and I blame the patriarchy that so many women don’t even see this as a possible path to happiness. Apparently, because of the kid, men rarely even ask her on a second date. Personally, I’d love to have a way to filter out people on date one like that, but I can see why it would be hard for her to accept it. Plateboy once said to me that I have more confidence than I realise, and it’s only now that I’m realising what the hell he meant by that. S is absolutely, utterly and totally drop dead gorgeous. She knows she is and she has confidence in that. Except that she obsesses over every aspect of her looks and weight all the time, if you can reconcile those two facts. I have very little confidence in my looks (although this is increasing over time), but I have a hell of a lot of confidence in my worth as a person. And I know what I deserve. Yes, I have some stupid moments (especially in the dating world), but it doesn’t tend to take me long to wake up and walk away. She has been so broken by life (and some horrible shit has happened in hers) that she can’t even see how much better she deserves.
And I can’t help her realise any of this. All I can do is wait for him to pull this shit again, and it will probably be harder to catch next time, but I’d put money on it happening again, and be there for her. And then be there for her the next time as well. I wish I could give her my strength. I wish I could give her the knowledge that she’s worth more than she settles for and that life can be much better. But really all I can do is write useless blog posts about her personal life and try not to cry when I think about all of it.
*It’s a quote from Mad Men, and as horrible as the sexism is, I love that show. Also, I appear to be back after an extended hiatus! *waves at you all*
** There’s too much to unpack there and I can’t bring myself to do it again. He’s a controlling, manipulative dickblister and if I ever see him again I will rip his favourite appendage off. I’m no longer welcome in her house.
^ and I promise right now, any comments saying ‘not all men are bad’ or ANY variation on this theme, will be deleted. I’m not interested so take it to your own blog.
^^number one was that she loves him… spare me this shit.