Post 1 in a Series

October 4, 2009 at 2:15 am (Dating, personal, untitled series)

Hello from Milan! I’m now killing time in an airport hotel until I leave to go home tomorrow. I didn’t have enough time here to actually see the city, but I had too long to sit around doing nothing. And by nothing I mean that assignment that’s becoming quite urgent and really needs to get done. So, I have a new mini-series for you that was inspired by large amounts of time to think whilst on holidays. I’m hoping it remains a mini-series and doesn’t get extended because that would be bad news for me! The best way to read these posts* is individually, forgetting about each until the wrap-up at the end.

Ok, part one: Coffeeguy. And yes, to those avidly following along at home, he has been demoted back to a nickname.

Coffeeguy and I have had eight dates in total, so far. They’ve been pretty good, but he has yet to make a move. At all. Not even a hug goodnight. I’m well aware I should have just done it myself by now, but never having had to before I find myself physically incapable of doing it. I’ve tried to break past this mental barrier with no success. So I wait.

The time period surrounding the dates has been a rollercoaster of insecurity, elation, defeatism and a whole bunch of other emotions. The words ‘I give up’ have passed my lips so many times that certain friends no longer believe this is ever going to actually be over**. For good reason, clearly.

I was annoyed at the timing of my trip in relation to the timing of our dates, and put it down to insecurity over the thought of Coffeeguy finding someone else in my absence. That was an error on my part that shows a massive lack of insight into my own personality. I was annoyed because I knew, deep down somehow, that three weeks away from him, particularly three weeks in Europe, would lead to me not being interested anymore.

It was hard to find a good time to contact him (different time zones and all) and one day (Sunday, timeline will be important later), I left a message for him on Skype. When I logged on that night, Skype told me he had blocked me. This kind of shocked me and seemed like a cowardly way for him to tell me he wasn’t interested, BUT I had a huge feeling of relief at the same time. It was finally, definitely, done.

Monday I went out and had a fanfuckingtasticlly awesome time and put all thoughts of him out of my head. So when I logged on Tuesday and he started talking to me as if nothing had happened, I checked Skype and he hadn’t blocked me. It was a technical error.

I’m now in a position where I’ve moved on and no longer see him in the same light, nor do I want anything from him anymore. The problem is, I’m the biggest coward and I’m not gonig to be able to tell him. It will be interesting to see how this plays out when I get home. Fingers crossed he’s moved on too and there’s no need for anyone to say anything!

*More to the point – the best way to read them without forming negative opinions of me…

** You still reading this, K? Shouldn’t you be writing that thesis of yours?


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