It was harder this time. I somehow managed to delude myself entirely about what was going on in the relationship, while at the same time I slowly started to lose different parts of my identity.
I let him treat me like crap for the three months, and I didn’t notice this until after we broke up. And even then, it was other people pointing it out that finally woke me up to it.
In the two weeks since we broke up, I’ve spent a lot of time with friends, I’ve gone out more than usual, I’ve been drunk more often than I’d care to admit on a public forum, and I’ve had more fun and been happier than ever. But I still have some unresolved issues to get out and I’m hoping this will help.
In general, I’m a pretty angry, psycho person. My closest friends actually love this part of me, which is a fairly shocking concept. Dickhead never saw this side to me. Ever. It was just something that stayed hidden and bubbling away under the surface. A friend has recently commented that I was too mellow when in a relationship with him and that she’s glad to have her [whyimbitter] back. This is the most prominent personality trait I hid, but there were other things I was too worried to show him.
I let him get away with a lot of different things because I knew if I stood up for myself, it would be over. In fact, I found an email I sent to a friend saying exactly that, sent a couple of weeks before we actually broke up. To anyone with sense, this sort of situation would result in an argument leading to a break up, but to me it led to repressing all discontent feelings and just smiling. Not healthy, and not at all like me.
Most of my friends hadn’t met him, and the ones who had, hadn’t spent enough time with him to know anything at all about his personality. The few times he bothered to make the effort to come out with my friends, we had to leave early because he was either in a bad mood, or wanted to get rest so he wasn’t tired when we went out with his friends. Which we did at least once a week.
More than once he told me that I have too many friends and that I should get rid of some of them. This should have set alarm bells ringing, but didn’t. Admittedly, I have a hell of a lot of friends, but I don’t actually see that as a problem. Given how awesome they’ve all been in getting me through the post break-up emotional crap, I’m glad I ignored him. He also tried to get me to ignore my phone when I’d get messages and phone calls, something plateboy also tried. To be fair, had I not been feeling so miserable whenever we spent time together, I possibly would have left my phone alone more often.
And I didn’t see any of it. And the one person I told even some of the bad stuff to, my sister, chose not to say anything about how much of a dickhead she thought he was. In future, we have an agreement that she will say something if she notices, especially since she’s the only one who got told about the less than happy side – a fact she wasn’t aware of at the time, in her defense.