Betrayed and lost

September 27, 2010 at 8:11 am (arsehats, idiots, personal)

I had a friend.  He was kind of my best friend.  I could always count on him to say exactly what I needed (not wanted) to hear, and be there when I needed it.

When I was having issues with my sleeping (depression related – symptom of a bad relationship then a bad break up), his house was the only place I could get a full, decent night’s sleep.*  When I hit my absolute lowest point and just did not want to bother anymore, it was his house I went to, so I could give up the need to be responsible and just let him take over for a while.  And it went both ways, obviously.  I was there for him all the time too, and did whatever I could to help him get his life on track and sort through stuff.

On Thursday night he rang me at eleven and woke me up.  About five minutes into the conversation he told me that he once put drugs into my dessert.  I don’t know what night it was, but I can place it as some time between October and February.  He did it because I was stressed out and upset and he wanted me to chill out.  And this is not ok.  Not even in the slightest.

At this stage I can’t even comprehend what this means.  I think my mind is still in shock over the whole thing.  I trusted him more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in my life, and I feel like an idiot.  I knew he did drugs, I knew his morals were in the gray area and yet, I just thought none of that mattered.  I actually felt safe and looked after and like I didn’t have to be strong on my own all the time.  Which is stupid and corny, and clearly not true.

I guess eventually I’ll go through the normal stages of grief from losing someone close to me.  Since I obviously won’t be talking to him again.  But, I’m just absolutely, completely lost.  I don’t know what to do or how to fix this.  It’s not something they teach you about in school.  It’s not something you get trained on.  How to move on when a close friend drugs you for funsies.

I think in this moment I’m angrier at myself than at him.  How could I possibly have put myself in this situation in the first place?  No one else in my life has ever had something like this happen to them, and I would hazard a guess that it’s quite rare on a national scale.  And yet, here I am.  So what is it that I’m doing that keeps putting me in these insanely unsafe situations?

And how on earth do you possibly go on from this?  In terms of future relationships (of the friend and not friend variety), how am I honestly meant to trust anyone again?

And just seriously, what the hell do I do now?  Other than return to the masks, obviously.

PS: Hi to anyone still reading after so long a break!  Missed writing in this thing…

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*ha! wondering why that was now.

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3 Comments

  1. Deborah said,

    I’m here! And I would feel terribly upset about this too. It’s the removal of autonomy, someone else making decisions for me because they thought it would be good for me.

  2. whyimbitter said,

    Fun side effect: I can’t sleep anymore. This gets more awesome with each day

  3. The Blame Game « WhyI’mbitter’s Weblog said,

    […] in bad situations and haven’t reported any of them to authorities.  I won’t report him for drugging me.  I won’t report him for causing my work life to be increasingly […]

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