More Dating issues, or Why Do I Even Bother?

September 27, 2010 at 5:38 pm (arsehats, Dating, office, personal)

I officially decided a couple of months ago that I’m ready to start dating again after coffeeguy.  Still trying to work out why I even bothered.  (And to the few readers that I have left, sorry if you thought there would be less dating posts these days)

So, in no particular order…

Friday night I went out with Workboy.  I broke a few of my own rules on this one, and by breaking them I reinforced in my mind why they’re so important.  He’s a work colleague, but not someone I have any contact with in the day-to-day activities of my job, so I thought this was a safe one to break this one time.  4 hours into my shift after the disaster and I’m regretting this one.  I may not have to deal with him, but I can see him from my desk all day, and I now need to be careful on my breaks to ensure they’re not at the same time.  Ah well, you live and learn I suppose.

Biggest rule I broke on this one was not having my own car.  I let him pick me up for a first date and we drove to a suburb about fifteen minutes away.  When it hit midnight, I was wiped out and needed to get home.  I’d drunk too much (partly because when I asked for water, he came back with a beer – not cool.), I’d had a long week (end of financial year, working in the finance sector with two of the team off sick…) and I had things to do the next morning.  However, I could not get him to understand that when I said I wanted to go home, I meant it.  He continued to try to convince me to say, even going so far as to say he wouldn’t drive me home.  To which I replied that was fine, I’ll get a taxi and there’ll be no problems.

He didn’t want me to get a taxi and finally agreed to take me home, but detoured past his house on the way.  I was furious and said as much but he claimed he needed painkillers because his back was sore.  Being already in a moving car, there was not a lot I could do about it at that stage, and when we got to his house the arguing continued as I didn’t want to get out of the car and he wanted me to.

Then, inside his house*, he decided it would be an awesome idea to try to convince me to stay the night, on his assurance that he’d sleep on the couch and there’d be no ‘funny business’.  Yeah, right.  I lost it at this point and said take me home now or I’ll call a cab.  Finally we got to his car again and he wouldn’t unlock the doors, because he wanted to have a makeout session in the carpark of his unit block.  So I lost it again.

And after all that, he now gives me confused looks because I haven’t responded to any of his messages or emails since.  Three paragraphs describing (and trust me, some stuff has been left out) how hard it was to get him to take me home, and he still thinks the date went well.

And on a follow-up note, I told this story to a good friend of mine and he said that from now on I should tell him when I have a date and he’ll make sure his phone is on and he’s sober so he can come pick me up if needed.  Really?  That’s what it’s come down to now.  Awesome.

And on re-reading this, I wonder at my use of the word ‘convince’.  I think I’m being too nice here and that he wasn’t attempting to convince, but rather co-erce me or wear me down til I agreed.  Thoughts?


*Yes, another stupid move on my part.  Trust me, I’m hard enough on myself about this without needing anyone else to tell me how stupid I was



  1. Katherine said,

    “Trust me, I’m hard enough on myself about this without needing anyone else to tell me how stupid I was”

    You’d think that someone trying to convince you that you should have a relationship with you would at least TRY to appear trustworthy. I don’t fault you at all for thinking maybe you could trust someone that you already know their name and where they work who you decide to go on a date with. And then feminists get flack for thinking “all men are rapists” when so many of us have enough experiences like this to convince us to be cautious around men.

  2. The Blame Game « WhyI’mbitter’s Weblog said,

    […] any of them to authorities.  I won’t report him for drugging me.  I won’t report him for causing my work life to be increasingly uncomfortable just because we had a bad date.  I […]

  3. Kathmandu said,

    (Hi, I was bored and browsing and came here via the link from InaStrangeLand.)

    If you had stayed in his apartment, he would have raped you. That was textbook date-rapist behavior: methodical, progressive boundary violation, each incident bringing him one step closer to having you stuck in his apartment with no witnesses.

    Good for you for getting out of it.

    The reason he thinks everything is fine and that it was a ‘good date’ is because date-rapists completely ignore all the resistance women show: not just push past it, but erase it from their perception of the world. Likewise he will have completely wiped from memory all the pressure he applied to you. A version of that night with his pressure and your refusals edited out would amount to “the two of you went to a party and had a good time until you got tired and he took you home early”. See? Good date.

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