Scared or Just Not Interested?

October 5, 2010 at 10:46 pm (Dating, personal)

How do you tell the difference?  I’m stuck, and in exactly the same position I end up in quite often.

I date two types of guys, deadset, downright arsehats and really really over the top nice guys.  Not Nice Guys ™, but actually genuinely nice guys.  Two very big extremes, I have issues with middle grounds.  It’s true, ask my psych 🙂

About six weeks ago I started dating a guy that was kind, considerate, fairly smart, funny and could mostly keep up with me.  And by the third date I was over it.  Or, at least I thought I was.  So I let him know I wasn’t interested and I walked away.

Now I’ve had three dates with another awesome guy.  He is nicer than nice, intelligent, considerate, kind etc and yet, I’m hesitating.  And I don’t know how to work out if the hesitation is commitmentphobia or genuinely just not being that into him.  How does anyone work this out?

I’m of the opinion that I have damn good reasons to be a commitmentphobe at this time in my life.  After everything in the last few years, even forgetting my childhood and ancient history, I have every reason in the world to be terrified of commitment and relationships.

Although it’s the unexpected stuff that’s proving to be the hardest.  Sharing my friends with another person, talking to them instead of my friends when in a group, ensuring I have time away from my friends every week to spend time with the boy instead.  It’s actually hard.

And since I started this post, I’ve done discussed this with a few friends.  One pointed out that she can’t help me because she doesn’t know what I want out of any of this.  Neither do I.  I guess if I don’t want to share my life with another person, I don’t actually want a relationship.  Then what am I doing?

Another friend pointed out that if I’m spending even one second of my time with a guy thinking ‘really? I’m here with this guy when that one’s over there?’ then I’m not interested in them.  But isn’t that just me being superficial?  Is that really a reflection on my feelings for the guy I’m with, or a reflection of my fear of commitment to one person?

I have no answers.  A few things kicked me in the stomach today about the guy that drugged me.  I was committed to him as a friend.  Moreso than anyone ever in my life previously.  And I didn’t want to meet his friends or have him hang out with mine.  I didn’t want him to be mixed into my life, I just wanted time with him when we could fit it in.

So maybe I want a relationship, just not one that fits the current societal definition?

WHO KNOWS?  not me.


1 Comment

  1. Kathmandu said,

    “Share your life with another person” sounds like marriage, or at least a committed, live-together type of relationship. There are possibilities between that and “not dating at all”. Maybe you want to date casually for a while? Not commit to anything yet? See the boy less than once a week, if that’s how you feel comfortable? Date more than one boy?

    I would say embrace your hesitation. It is unlikely that you’d meet a perfect soulmate and commit forever mere months after leaving a previous relationship; don’t rush yourself.

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