Update on me

November 8, 2010 at 11:55 pm (personal)

Since you were all hanging out for an update on me, and I love being the centre of the universe…

It’s been 10 weeks since I stopped taking anti-depressants.  This is huge for me because I’m still functioning.  I’m bending a bit under pressure, and there is massive temptation to just start on them again to make everything all perfect and rosy.  But it won’t make everything all perfect and rosy, and it will be harder to quit next time.  And honestly, if I can’t handle my shit at this stage in my life, I’ll never be able to.  So it’s time to learn.  And I’m actually doing pretty well at it.  So yay for me.

It’s been 8 weeks since I lost my best friend.  And if we stop, just for one minute, and forget about why I lost him, this has more of an impact.  Forgetting the violation and the betrayal, you’re left with everything he was to me.  Which was everything, really.  And when I’m depressed, I’ve lost the person I turn to, to pull me back out of my hole.  I haven’t had to cope without him to lean on in a very long time, and he was as much as a part of my coping mechanisms as anything else I’ve ever used.  So 8 weeks without him, an extra two on top of that with no meds, and I’m still functioning fairly ok actually.*

I quit smoking 6 weeks ago.  I’ve had two in that time, but I don’t count that as falling off the wagon.  6 weeks is a spectacular feat here, given the number of smoke breaks at work, the number of very long, boring car rides, the number of awkward phone calls, and the number of times I’ve just been outside bored.  All times I’d normally light up that I’ve had to find other things to do during.

For those not counting at home, that’s three of my biggest crutches gone.  And there are moments that I’m just lost.  Utterly lost.  But I’m here and I’m functioning and I’m (mostly) enjoying myself.  There’s a friend that I met the through the bestie that is fairly wonderful and when I talk to him I have to hold myself back.  He could so easily become everything the other one was and more, and I find I can’t let myself allow that to happen.  I end up avoiding him for two weeks, then talking at great length.  Then avoiding again.  I’ve also been avoiding alcohol as much as possible.  There are three very, very big holes in my life from these three things, and alcohol is something I do not want filling any of them up.  That would be bad.  And very very easy to do.

But I’m surviving 🙂  And I really am mostly enjoying myself.  Through all the stress and hard times at the moment, I’m still doing ok.  What I’m waiting for, however, is the next big huge horrible thing in my life.  Because I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it through that.  And the big things seem to happen often enough to make me worry.



*Interesting note: if I’d had ANY idea what was in store for me I wouldn’t have stopped the meds at that point.  Also, If I’d found out first, the meds wouldn’t have been stopped after that revelation.


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