You Don’t Have to Move

November 2, 2011 at 1:11 pm (Dating, personal)

The entirety of this post is after the jump as it concerns personal stories, and I’d like to hide it just a little bit more than normal.

Earlier this year I started dating, and was later dumped by, an old friend.  Someone I had known for ten years, who later felt the need to end things via sms with no explanation.  I’m spectacularly good at picking them, but at least they all make for great blog posts right?

Anyway, this isn’t about how much of a coward he was, because that’s been well covered in my rants elsewhere.  This post is about sex.

At the time, I felt something was … off… but couldn’t put my finger on what it was.  Everything we did was consensual, and felt great, but there was something that didn’t sit right.  And it was only the other day that I worked it all out and wanted some input from others on this.**

More than once while we were in bed he (known as A from this point on) would say ‘you don’t have to move’ and move his hands to a point that would stop me from moving.  Not in a forceful way, just more as a suggestion.  But … is this really something that has any place in the bedroom between two consenting adult partners?  “You don’t have to move”

Forgive me if I’m romanticizing the act of intercourse here, but surely having a partner who is showing signs of life, and of being part of the act, is significantly more enjoyable than one who just lays there?  And surely if you’re sleeping with someone in an act of intimacy, rather than horniness, movement and action and participation is a key factor in mutual enjoyment?

He removed my ability to be an active participant in the action, and that definitely made me uncomfortable.  It’s not cool.  At the time, it was a massive ego blow.  I felt like I was doing it wrong, as if my movement was ruining it for him somehow.  My ego in this area has been sufficiently restored now that I can look back and recognise that this had nothing to do with me, but for awhile it had me doubting myself.

I’m not really sure what my question was going to be when I first thought of this post.  I wanted to share this because in all my readings across the ‘net, I haven’t come across anything similar to this, and it really does strike me as a very problematic thing for him to have said in that moment.  Those moments even, as it was more than once.  So basically, I had more to write and discuss, but through the happiness bubble I’m currently living in, I’m not sure what all that was.


Any thoughts from any readers I’ve got left?


On a brighter note, 2011 is almost over, and so far this year I have not been drugged, locked in anywhere or stalked.  So it’s a huge improvement on 2010.




** I’m horrified that I didn’t pick up on this at the time and that I needed distance, hindsight and thought to work it out.  It seems like something I should have known instantly.


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